January has a way of whispering promises of reinvention. A fresh diary, a blank calendar, a sense that this is the moment everything could finally click into place. And it’s not just psychological fluff – research shows that temporal landmarks, like the New Year, can genuinely boost motivation, at least initially.

But there’s a catch. January also arrives when many of us are depleted. Short days disrupt our circadian rhythms, routines are still wobbling post-Christmas, and December’s excesses, late nights, richer food, endless socialising, often leave us running on empty. As psychotherapist at The Soke, Sagal Hassan, points out, “it makes sense that after overindulging and overstretching ourselves, we turn our minds to a better future – but the urgency to ‘get back on track’ can mean we override the body’s very real need for rest.”

Historically, deep winter was seen as a time for slowing down and reflecting, not for radical transformation. Spring was when action followed. Yet today, we do the opposite: we choose the bleakest month of the year to set our most ambitious goals, then feel frustrated when we can’t sustain them. The novelty of January can also trigger a perfectionist, all-or-nothing mindset – resolutions framed as total reinventions, with little room for the small, imperfect steps real change actually requires.

Why Resolutions So Often Backfire

Perfectionism is closely tied to a fear of failure, which in turn fuels avoidance and procrastination. When goals are overly ambitious, they can be almost designed to fail. And, as Sagal explains, “that failure can sometimes be unconsciously sought, because it allows us to avoid the deeper emotional reflection that genuine change demands.”

Take binge eating, for example. It’s often a way of temporarily managing difficult feelings such as shame, emptiness or overwhelm. At the same time, it can disconnect us from our bodies and our relationship with food – the very things that might help us feel grounded and confident – keeping us stuck in a cycle of guilt. Overworking can function in a similar way: it may help us avoid conflict or intimacy at home, while quietly fuelling the very disconnection we’re trying to escape.

In psychotherapy, change isn’t just about the end goal. It’s about understanding the function of our current patterns; what they give us, what they protect us from, and what blocks change from happening. “Rather than starting with a list of what you ‘should’ fix,” Sagal notes, “it’s far more useful to begin with curiosity – trying to understand why things are the way they are before attempting to shift them.” That curiosity is often hard to maintain alone, which is why working with a therapist or coach can be so powerful; another mind can help hold compassion when self-judgement creeps in.

The Question To Ask Yourself Instead

So this New Year, rather than asking, How do I change everything about myself? Sagal suggests trying something gentler and far more effective: What does this behaviour do for me, and what would I need instead if I really wanted to change?

Once we understand the role a habit plays, change becomes less about perfection and punishment, and more about self-understanding and compassion, which is exactly where sustainable change begins.

Sagal Hassan suggests Three Things To Do Instead Of Setting New Year’s Resolutions

1) Treat January as a diagnostic month

Rather than launching a full reboot, take stock. Notice what’s working, what isn’t, and what keeps repeating or feeling stuck in your life. In psychodynamic terms, repetition is rarely random, it often points to an underlying conflict, fear, or unmet need. Give yourself a few weeks of honest observation before you start making rules for your future self. Journaling can be a simple way to catch patterns that are easy to miss when you’re living inside them.

2) Practise becoming a better observer of yourself

Each time you do, or don’t do, the habit or behaviour you want to shift, pause. Start with the body: tension in the chest, a tight jaw, butterflies, heaviness, restlessness. Then try to name the emotion those sensations belong to. Ask what was happening underneath in that moment, and what you were actually needing: relief, distraction, comfort, reassurance, control, closeness. Often the behaviour is not just “bad”, it’s doing a job, helping you manage something difficult. If you can understand the job, you can begin to find a healthier way to meet the same need.

3) Consider professional support based on the kind of change you’re attempting

If you mainly need structure, accountability, and consistency to build a new habit, a coach can be useful. If what you’re up against is a deep-seated emotional pattern, something repetitive, compulsive, or bound up with self-worth or relationships, therapy is usually the better fit. Either way, hard change is far easier with another mind in the room, because the patterns that keep us stuck tend to form in relationship, and they often shift in relationship too.

Because real change isn’t about willpower or white-knuckling your way through January. It’s about understanding yourself better – and letting that understanding lead the way.